doremi729

I am screaming at the top of my lungs
Crying for an answer or some kind of sign
We are all hurting
We are all lost
Searching for that happy ending
Sometimes I think it's all a joke
This life
These wars we wage
What does it matter
When does the fire die
The rain can't come soon enough
But even that rain has its danger
I'm drowing and burning all at once
These thorns of life rip through me
I'll heal and scar over and over
Wishing for better
We are always wishing for happiness
What is happiness
Is it contentment
I wish for hope more than anything
That as I get older
I keep hope in this life
I'm screaming at the top if my lungs
So loudly
No on can hear

It's been a while since my last entry and i really have so much that i could say. the last month and a half has been extremely difficult for me. anyone who really knows me knows that. it's been such a blur, but at the same time i remember it all so clearly. every tear, every word. and it's honestly more than just the break up. i'm not going to sit here and say that andrew and i ending destroyed my life. it didn't, i'm not that weak. i know that i don't need another person to fulfill my life, but we'd all be lying if we said we didn't want to love someone and be loved in return. it's human nature. when i really think back to my past and my previous relationships, i realized that andrew was the first person i felt a true unconditional love for. someone i would do anything for. someone i had so much faith in and adoration for. and not in a weird, creepy, obsessive way. it was just an honest and real love. that's powerful and very hard to shake off. it didn't last and i know it's over. i can except that. and i know that down the road it won't hurt so much. do i wish it didn't end? yes. do i hope that one day we might reconnect? yes. will that ever happen? who can say. i can play the what if and why game all day long. lord knows i've done it. time heals nothing. i believe that so much. it simply lets things settle. it lets us bury the pain so we don't have to feel it on a day to day basis.
i came to York College with high hopes. i wanted a new beginning for myself. My years at Limestone were both tremendously damaging (which i'm discovering) but also very enlightening. i ran away from a very bad "relationship" and a community i was never really a part of. that fucks you up. and i never healed from that and i carried a lot of that baggage with me to York. i wasn't planning on getting into a serious relationship. i was just hoping to meet some new people and start out fresh. andrew showed me a world i never experienced before. College life was fun!! i never had that at Limestone. i've met so many wonderful people and have had so many wonderful times. he taught me how to relax and have a good time. he has inspired me so much as a singer. more than he knows. his passion and love for music is incredible and i can't help but feed off of that. i put so much happiness and hope into this relationship and new life i was living. it was so new and liberating. when it ended, i felt like all i had worked so hard to change and create was taken from me. i can say now that it wasn't fair to him to put so much of my selfworth and happiness into his hands. it wasn't very wise of me to do that. and i do know that another person cannot be responsible for all my needs or my selfworth. simply put, i put all of my eggs in one basket. and that was dumb.
while i can look at all of this very logically in my head, my heart just wants to cry. it's painful. we all have been heartbroken. i'm not weak and i'm not overly dramatic. we live together still and that is very VERY hard. it's a constant reminder that it's over. it's an emotional roller coaster. i'm constantly fighting the urge to move out. i always want to just run and forget when something bad happens. well i think it's important that i ride this one out. there is much to be learned and much growing to do. i have learned also that i am who i am in a lot of ways. yes, i will change a lot over the course of my life. but who i am at the core is very much settled. we can all stand to grow, but i will not change for anyone or anything. i will be loved for who i am. and i will make someone very happy someday. until then, i hope to make myself happy. andrew has taught me so much and i hope that i have had an impact on him as well. and while these days are still very difficult and painful, all i can do his love him. for who he is and for everything he will be. i will heal and soar on my own. i am stronger than many of you know. there will always be a space for him in my heart.

This song is what I feel right now.....
I don't know why I can't get over this and it's starting to piss me off....

Give it up baby
I hear you're doin' fine
Nothin's gonna save me
I can see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache, honey
Give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine

Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

It's benn quite a while since my last entry and since i've got some time to myself alone in the apt, i figure now is a great time to spill my guts :). For the last week or so i've really been missing Limestone and South Carolina. I miss Justin and Iman sooooo much and i really miss my professors. Now don't get me wrong, i do not regret tranferring because when i really think about it and remember why i left, i can't imagine still being there. but i really did have some great times. i experienced things there that i know i won't get at York. We traveled so much. It was so fun. We went to Charleston twice a year, did NATS in Columbia, went on tour in North Carolina, and went to Salt Lake City. And the chorus is going to England this summer! I'm sooooo jealous. it's all rather depressing. i talked to Iman today for over an hour catching up on the latest gossip. i miss her a lot. we did everything together. we were the only ones there for eachother.....both in love with Justin...and knowing that we'd never have him. and i miss Dr. Poovey a lot aswell. She was a great voice teacher and mentor. While LInda is very good at the technical aspect of voice, Dr. Poovey had such a grace about her. she really cared about her students and would offer her time and support. she pushed me and made me get out there and sing. I sang a lot more down there than i do know. Now granted, the chorus and chamber singers are a lot better here and i love it...but i miss the solo gigs at churches and functions. Now i'll admit, i need to get off my ass and find places to sing..i'll take the blame for that. but still, i can't help but feel like things were different. the music department was a family. it was very small. we'd have get togethers and christmas parties and end of the year cook outs. i miss that terribly. i think part of me didn't let myself grieve leaving Limestone. I didn't let myslef miss it. And i guess that's what i've leanred. even though you make a decision to change your life for the better, it can still hurt sometimes to leave behind what you've built and grown accustom to.

i've changed so much in the last year or so. i've grown a lot as a person. and i'm seeing weaknesses and strengths in myself that i never knew i had. i overanalyze things and situations and i expect to much from people. I give too much sometimes. i care too much about what other people think. and it's funny, but deep down i am a very strong, independant, opinionated, and aggressive individual, but no one sees that because i choose not to show it. it's not that i'm fake, but it's safer in a sense. if only you knew what i was really thinking. i shouldn't take half the crap people give me sometimes. i am a good singer. and i need to let myself say that. i'm not the best and i'm not the worst...and i could be better if i practiced more. but i am good. and you know what's scary...i really don't think opera is what i want to do. i love classical singing, don't get me wrong. i love art songs and lieders and all that stuff. but musical theater really gets me excited. it's funny, andrew has inspired me sooooo much since i've met him. he has such a passion and love for singing and theater. i have always love musicals but never thought i could be a lead. but as my voice is maturing and my range is expanding, it might be possible one day. i get more out of singing along to Wicked and melissa etheridge than i do singing Mozart. and that's the truth. i love singing and music so much and i even hide that sometimes too. WHY DO I HIDE WHO I REALLY AM!!! God Damnit!!! if i really let go, i could be a really great performer. but i'm afraid of failure and of what people would say. which is retarted. i really hate how i act sometimes. i am trying so hard to let go and stop worrying about every little problem in my life. i think then i'd be a better musician, friend, boyfriend, and person. i am trying. i really am. but it's hard. being 20 is hard....the only thing that stays the same is change. there's really no stability. but what can you do?? just keep sining......

ps - i don't care if there are spelling errors. it's livejournal for god's sake.

i have come to the conclusion that i am a boring person. i know i'm not fun. i may be a lot of things, but the life of the party isn't one of them. i know i can be shy, and i know i can be quiet, but i really do have a lot to offer. this has really been bothering me. no one has fun with a boring person..........

Survey of 2005

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
hooked up with someone i didn't know...i will never do that again

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i didn't make any

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Dr. Ameling...a boy!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no, thank goodness

5. What countries did you visit?
lol...none

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a better self-image inside and out

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
winning second place in my catergory at the Regional NATS competition, sushi with Andrew, saying goodbye to Limestone, Andrew's solo at the Rhapsody concert, Marcus coming out to my mom

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
winning second place in my catergory at the Regional NATS competition and singing solo at the Strand

9. What was your biggest failure?
not giving enough attention to my vocal studies this past semester

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no, but i did get sick a lot

11. What was the best thing you bought?
i got some good Cds this year

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Andrew's solo, my mom educating herself on homosexuality and becoming open minded, Marcus' bravery, Jessie and Andrew's engagement!!!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my father's, a few people who made me feel like i was undesireable

14. Where did most of your money go?
gas, cell bill, eating out

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my 20th birthday...getting hammered with my brother and sister and company

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Well there are a few:
Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
much happier with myself as a person

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
practice, school work, spend time with Marcus and Jessie

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
second guessing myself, aplogizing for no reason

20. How did you spend Christmas?
in Philly with family

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Andrew, Arlena, and my mom

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
hahaha...yes, for the first time

23. How many one-night stands?
one...ewww it was horrible and i'm ashamed

24. What was your favorite TV program?
LOST

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no...only because i didn't know him last year

26. What was the best book you read?
Melissa Etheridge: The Truth Is

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Wicked

28. What did you want and get?
a plane ticket to South Carolina

29. What did you want and not get?
a digital camera

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Finding Nerverland...omg i cried

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20 on July 29, partied with my brother and sister in philly

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
while i'm very happy that i transferred, it was not easy and really put a twist in my life

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
dressy casual...but not in the summer, shorts and a T-shirt

34. What kept you sane?
Juila at Harley, Arlena, my mom

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Melissa Etheridge

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay Marriage..and the right to it!!!

37. Who did you miss?
Justin and Iman from LC

38. Who was the best new person you met?
a lot of people for YCP....Andrew, duh

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
change isn't always easy, but it can be a life saver. the power to change your life for the better is in you...don't wait for someone else to do it for you..otherwise, it will never happen

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
the only thing that stays the same is change - M.E.

so i've had an account with livejournal for like 2 months, but have just never sat down and written something. so now that i'm on break and have nothing better to do, i guess now is a good time.

in general, the holidays always suck for me. the last two years i was in Georgia for christmas and new years. how much did that suck?.....a lot. and the fact that i was pretty miserable at Limestone didn't help. no wonder the suicide rates go up around the holidays! but this year is not so bad. well except fot my dad ditching us because he can't deal with the fact that his sons are gay.....yeah, that's a whole other enrty. things will be okay this year. it's christmas eve and i have spent all day alone at home. mom is at work and jess and marcus are of course at home in philly. i've been pretty productive though. got laundry done, organized some things for the move. Oh yeah, my parents are moving....again. this is it though. it's their "retirement" home. it's a really nice house that's only like 2 miles from where we are now. a lot more room...it will be nice. so i'm going out to philly with my mom for christmas. we're going to my sister's fiancee's parent's house for Christmas dinner and then heading back to my sisters. it will be a lot of fun. i'm looking forward to it. i'll be back in York tuesday sometime.

new years i am looking forward to a lot. i'm going up to Andrew's and spendng the weekend with him and his friends. i can't wait. i need to get away and i need to have fun. and i'm always happy when i'm with Andrew, so as long as i'm with him i'll be just fine! he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. amazing person in everyway....:)

so i'm definitely freaking out about career stuff. if i want to go to graduate school, i'll have to be auditoning in the fall....this coming fall. i'm freaking out. i can't believe i'll be a senior next year. the auditon process for a master's in vocal performance is not easy. i think i've got the grades, but my repetoire is weak. plus, how the hell am i going to pay for it. Mrs. Bear wants me to go to like Mannes or Manhattan School of Music....those places are like $25,000 a year, and that's just tuition. and Peabody in Baltimore is like $30,000. So now i'm thinking of going back down to South Carolina to study at Converse College. they have a phenominal voice program there that is actually reasonable. that's the school i originally wanted to go to for a master's anyway. we'll see. but i have a lot of work and planning to do if i really want to go right after i graduate. a BA in music is pretty useless with out an MM.

it will all work out i'm sure. i'll just keep moving forward. i have so much to be thankful for...so when i get in these moods where i'm just bitchy and down, i try to think of all the good things in my life. like making the dean's list and andrew....YAY!!! :)